Pam and Mike met 11 years ago and were immediately attracted to each other, with sex becoming central to their early relationship. In their late 50s and early 60s, they were highly sexually active. But as aging and biology have taken their toll, their sex life has deteriorated, and they have not had intercourse in two years.
According to Pam, the decline happened gradually. She said that she and Mike stopped prioritizing sex until it eventually fell off the table: four days without it became two weeks; two weeks became six months. Pam attributed part of this to internalizing society's expectations of older women, noting that "society desexualises you and you absorb that."
Mike said his inability to maintain sexual desire was biological. He noted that Viagra can give him an erection but cannot give him desire, and that his brain is no longer connected to his penis the way it used to be. The last time they had sex, he struggled to stay hard and it was painful for Pam, he said, adding that sex would now require planning with lubrication and medication.
Both have reported that the loss of sexual intimacy has strained their emotional connection. Pam said that sex was once their way to resolve conflicts, allowing them to move past arguments quickly. Without it, she said, they have to work harder at the relationship. Mike said that without sex, the intimacy has gone, and without intimacy, the relationship feels difficult. He added that he feels he is letting Pam down by not maintaining their sexual connection.
Pam said she misses how sex made her feel more playful and imaginative, and she is considering ways to reclaim that side of herself. Both have expressed hope that attending Burning Man later this year might help them reconnect physically.
